The Accidental Vampire

The Accidental VampireOh boy, oh boy My first real paranormal romance not YA, not vampire hunting with a side of relationship, but an honest to goodness real live romance novel I read it on the way to Chicago.Ah, the eternal question where the insert expletive of choice are the editors I spend a lot of time wondering this I see movies like, for example, The Da Vinci Code, and am astonished that apparently, in every single stage of production, everyone involved failed to notice and remark upon the fact that This can t be this the fleur de lis is not a line that should have ever been written, let alone spoken on screen Honestly, people, you all failed What scriptwriter thought this was a good line Why didn t the editor smack some sense into him Didn t Tom Hanks notice that this tortured syntax was awkward to say, not to mention an untenable abuse of the English language, when he had to wrap his tongue around it Why was the director okay with it Didn t anyone notice that no one % ing talks like that Getting back to novels, I may blink at one or two grammatical mistakes or run on sentences or really, really lousy pieces of dialogue, but I accept that even the best authors occasionally have brain blips and even the best editors can t catch everything.But when it happens on practically every page, I start to get annoyed.THE ACCIDENTAL VAMPIRE had what sounded like a cute premise Elvi Black doesn t know how she became a vampire, and since she s taking her cues from Dracula, she s getting a lot of it wrong When her best friend sneaks a personal ad for Elvi into the paper, the novice neckbiter meets up with Victor, an ancient vamp who will oh, never mind, I m just going to quote the back of the book here, because this sort of campy goodness really should be shared FATE GAVE HER FANGS HE LL SHOW HER HOW TO USE THEM.I figured, oh hey Humor They re not taking themselves too seriously This can t be that excruciating Le sigh.Elvi is an idiot She goes five years without food although not without blood, obviously because vampires in movies don t eat It never occurs to her to try it and see what happens She gets rid of all the mirrors, despite the fact that she can see herself in them, because vampires don t have reflections And the townspeople for whom she s a mascot of sorts are just as stupid as she is.It wasn t funny it wasn t even cute It was just painfully, painfully stupid.Along come her prospective beaux, all of whom are fine hunky males of the bloodsucking persuasion And that was when I realized Holy crap, this really is porn for middle aged women.Not just sexual porn although there s plenty of that sort of thing going on as well but emotional porn When the other vampires inform her that yes, she can actually eat, Elvi runs out immediately to the grocery store and is escorted by all the men, who enable her lack of impulse control enthusiastically When she s laid up, they all bake for her Everything she does, no matter how mundane or how careless, is fascinating to them.They re not even romantic just slavish.Then there s the explanation for vampirism Vampires are from Atlantis, and they have things in their blood called nanos which keep them ever young, but are fueled by blood.Apparently, for all their highly advanced technology, these Atlantean fraktards weren t creative enough to figure out what came after their dangling prefix Seriously, guys, nano whats The author spent a lot of time repeating herself, verbatim, sometimes within the same paragraph, all of which made it really hard to finish the book I rarely ever skim a text rather than actually reading it, but at some points I had to or I wouldn t have been able to finish it.She also goes to great lengths to emphasize that Elvi and her best friend Mabel are older women in their sixties How enlightened Except it makes it that much harder to forgive the characters for having the reasoning powers of a developmentally disabled toddler For most of the book, someone is trying to kill Elvi Oh, the suspense SPOILER It s her neighbor and friend, whose son is wearing pale makeup and fake fangs The neighbor learned from watching Dracula that the only way to cure vampirism is to kill the vampire who bit the kid So they go through elaborate assassination attempts despite the fact that they really like Elvi and don t object to her being a vampire without ever bothering to notice that their son s pallor rubs off on his clothing.Most of the suspense for me came from wondering who was putting the Stupid Juice in the town s water supply, but alas, that mystery was never resolved.Oh, and as contrived and sappy as you can imagine the denouement being Triple it.I don t understand There s just no reason for it to be this bad Does anyone actually enjoy this sort of bad writing I mean, I feel like you could have the domestic man porn and the sex and the vampirism and still have something that s not so frustrating to read Sure, you re going to feel a little silly for reading it, but it shouldn t be this headache inducing. We have Elvi NOT the plural of Elvis, as I thought That would be Elvii , who has been a female vampire for 5 years Funny how Elvi just watches the movie and believes that is what she is supposed to do to be a vampire But the Birthday Bite was the best to me The people of Port Henry were totally unexpected in the way they took care of Elvi I was never quite sure what Victor s 3 rivals, Edward, Alessandro and Harper were up to and the side story about DJ and Mabel was a pleasant addition Victor Argeneau and his assistant DJ drive out to the small town of Port Henry to meet this woman and find out what is going on It s not exactly discreet placing an ad in the paper and since Victor works for the Vampires ruling Council, it s his job to access the damage and possibly bring this potential Rogue Vampire back to the council for judgement Elvi is an accidental vampire, who was turned under unusual circumstances and has attracted the attention of the Council Without a sire to guide her, she turned to popular culture for answers and is living in discomfort Her community accepts her as a paranormal creature and are very protective towards her Up till now I didn t know much about Victor except he s Vincent s father, has the same genetic anomaly as his son so they can t feed of bagged blood and that his lifemate, Marion, died a few centuries ago burned at the stake So I was pleased to see this book was about him Losing his lifemate has made Victor a bitter, lonely man He even avoids contact with Vincent, his son, and the only thing that keeps him going is his job as an law enforcer for the council.These books are pure cheesy vamp romance with a big helping of smut on the side And, this one had a lot of stupid people that were entertaining as can be Was okay, funny but not really what I expected but it was a good read I loved this book It had been so long since I have read an Argeneau book that I had forgotten how good they were This one wasnt one of my favs in the series but it was very entertaining I enjoyed a lot the fact that the heroine was a woman of 60 something when she was turned into a vampire What a fun story It had me laughing and chuckling several times FUN FUN FUN A Vampire puts a singles ad in the paper and boy does she get a response This is one of my favourite Argeneau novels The book was gorgeous I chose it due to the blurb on the back, and I didn t regret it one second It is as funny and unusual a vampire romance as I thought it would be It had all the usual stuff with lifemates, the gorgeous looking vampires and so on, but the story in itself turned out to be surprising and inventive This would be how I would be turned into a vampire is by accident This was a funny cute book I haven t read many in this series I tried the first one and it was just ok, but this one was downright romantic, cute and funny. This was so bad It had a lot of potential, but it fulfilled none of it Stupidest heroine of the series I feel sorry for the hero I am giving 2 stars because I listened on audio and figure reading it would have been a little better The narration sucked. Opening LineIt was a high pitched scream that woke Elvi THE ACCIDENTAL VAMPIRE is an amusing story with great characters It also gives a slightly different take on the standard Vampire Romance, wherein the main characters are all in their 60 s and the Vampires are decendents of Atlantis This is also not a series that you need to read in order, which is great It s nice to just pick up a book and not need a huge ammount of back story to know what s going on Elvie Black was accidentally turned into a Vampire while vacationing in Mexico with her best friend Upon returning home she watches Dracula in an attempt to understand how to live like a Vampire She runs a BB and is the star attraction at the local resturaunt where she gives birthday bites to the townsfolk As her friends age they fear that she will be left alone and subsequently place a personals ad in the paper This brings several sexy Vampire suiters into town all vying for Elvie s attention One in particular, Victor Argeneau is an enforcer Sent to take Elvie before the counsel as she is breaking the Vampire laws by feeding on humans and not keeping her immortal status a secret Much hilarity ensues as all 5 suitors end up staying in the BB over the following week, teaching Elvie how to be a Vampire Two hilarious scenes stand out for me one, after she learns that she can in fact eat, and makes a mad dash to the store in search of chocolate and cheesecake it s been 5 years The other takes place after she s told that she doesn t have to sleep in a coffin Elvie then takes all the men with her to purchase a new bed The whole town becames a part of this amusing story as a comedy of errors results in someone trying to kill Elvie and Victor discovering that she might be his lifemate A cute story that s an easy read. I pity anyone who started the Argeneau series with this as their starting point.The main character Elvi real name is Ellen, but she goes by the nickname Elvi because she s a vampire now, and thats what vampires do Plus it s a take on Elvira is an absolute dumbass I got rid of all the mirrors in my house because vampires and thats what I am now don t have reflections never mind the fact that I still had a reflection after I became a vampire, I m sure it s gone now but I m too chicken sh t to find out Same goes for the food.Vampires only sleep in coffins Same goes for normal clothing Because yeah vampires only wear Elvira inspired outfits.So I paraphrased that bit, but not by much.Such a dumbass that her vampire research after she was turned involved just the movies, because movies are faster than reading the books.Seriously The mystery was flimsy at best.The who s going to end up with her meaning who can read not read her mind was pretty much determined from the beginning of the book.Just ugh I m sorry, normally I enjoy these books for what they are but this one was definitely lacking a wee bit. I m not normally specifically a romance fan, but this series holds a special place for me and this is my favorite book and it I will not, however, pretend to like the most common cover design for this book It lacks imagination and fails to do justice to the story The proliferation of muscular torsos on the covers of books has probably doneto turn me off the genre than anything else Maybe it s because, for some reason, I get nothing out of pictures of musclebound male trunks That s why I ve s switched to a version which has a cover design that is not a blue torso The cover of a book with a picture like that should be called The Ab Max System and the byline should read In just two weeks, you too can have abs like this Still, I think the idea behind this book was kind of brilliant and will go on paying dividends for the series for years to come I know some people found this book unforgivably silly, or at least the main character to be stupid for not figuring things out on her own rather than needing somebody to tell her much of what she learned in the course of this book All I can say is the whole premise of this book is that an entire town is conspiring to protect Elvi and, as it turns out, is doing herharm than good I know, in the real world, if I d been in that position Not that I could ever have actually been in that position in the real world I would ve rebelled against the idea of sleeping in a coffin long before, but then again, who knows what you d be persuaded to do when something like that happens to you and you don t know the rules In any case, this was never intended to be an ultra realistic character study, so why not just kick back, have a good time and take this story on its own terms, as the confection it is If you can t do that, then this series is probably not for you and maybe you should go and read Middlemarch or something Actually, that is in a bad idea I think I ll do that someday It s on my list.By the way, since I initially wrote this review I ve chopped up my books into categories on various shelves I ve noticed I have quite a few under the heading of romance, including this one If you bother to look and I can t imagine why you would, you d find that not one of them is a straight up contemporary romance They re either historic or literary classics or have some kind of fantasy or science fiction elements There s hardly a story that couldn t be helped by putting a little romance in it, but romance as a genre by itself is not really enough to keep the likes of me interested.So, if you re looking for something that only pretends to be dark my kind of dark and is actually light, fun and just a bit sentimental, this one is a good choice I d recommend starting with the first book in the series and working your way here It s not critical, but the world building in these books, which slowly assembles itself in the course of them, is great fun and of a source ofthan a little daydreaming, even for a guy like me. Was okay, funny but not really what I expected but it was a good read Funny how Elvi just watches the movie and believes that is what she is supposed to do to be a vampire But the Birthday Bite was the best to me. Seit Sie Durch Ein Versehen In Eine Vampirin Verwandelt Wurde, Schl Ft Elvi Black In Einem Sarg, Meidet Die Sonne Und Verzichtet Auf Knoblauch Sonst Hat Sie Allerdings Keine Ahnung, Was Es Eigentlich Hei T, Eine Vampirin Zu Sein Als Ihre Nachbarn F R Sie Eine Anzeige In Die Zeitung Setzen, Trifft Sie Den Umwerfenden Victor Argeneau Victor Ist Reich, M Chtig Und Gut Aussehend, Und Jede Frau W Rde Sich Ihm Mit Freuden Zu F En Werfen Egal, Ob Lebendig Oder Untot Victor Erkl Rt Sich Bereit, Elvi In Das Dasein Als Vampirin Einzuf Hren Doch Da Ver Bt Ein Unbekannter Ein Attentat Auf Elvi, Dem Sie Nur Knapp Entgeht Irgendjemand Scheint Es Auf Ihr Leben Abgesehen Zu Haben 4.5 StarsI find it interesting how much this series parallels atraditional boy meets girl, falls in love, trope than most of the paranormal romance series do The fact that the characters are vampires is reallycircumstantial Still I liked this one Mostly because of the silliness of it Elvi s truly an accidental vampire and all she knows about what it means to be one is what she s read or seen in movies So sleeping in a coffin and staying out of sunlight are only to of the most obvious ones Of course there s the drinking blood and not being able to eat real food too But having been turned in her sixties and having grown up in a small town that town is unwilling to turn their back on their friend They re going to be there to support her no matter what Even if that means going behind her back to help her find a male vampire to be with so when they all die she won t be alone The idea behind this one was actually cute and unique I loved how baffled Victor was by it all So used to being one tasked with helping to maintain their peoples secrecy he doesn t know quite what to do with an entire town aware of their existence And falling for their local vampire is not part of the deal Especially since he knows his job if it s all true maybe to bring her before the council for judgement and likely ultimately her death This was fun and sweet I loved watching all the other men in vying for Elvi s attention and how they just riled Victor Of course they all had their own reasons for being there Even the subplot of the acts had an amusing end to itself in my opinion I m actually going to change my rating and actually round up these stars instead of down, because this one still makes me smile when I think about it. 4.5 StarsLynsay Sands has one of the easiest to understand explanations of Vampirism or as the Argeneau s prefer, Immortals Technology is a very cool thing to base your plotline on I love it, and I really loved this story of an actual accidental vampire.Elvi was changed on a trip to Mexico with her best friend and since it was the whole town of Port Henry that encouraged her to go they all feel guilty about her becoming a vamp So they make arrangements Arrangements of all sorts, from finding her blood to finding her a boyfriend Now Elvi doesn t know the first thing about being a vamp other than what she has seen in the movies and in books So she doesn t eat, she sleeps in a coffin, avoids mirrors and dresses like Elvira Now that Elvi s townsmen have brought her to the attention of the council there is going to be a problem, so along comes Victor the Enforcer of the Immortals He has to find out just how many laws Elvi has broken This was a great story since it is one of the lightest of this genre and it has a wonderful small secondary story of Mabel, Elvi s friend who is 62, who has caught the eye of what appears to be a much younger vamp Out of all the books, this one was so much of a pleasure to read since we don t have to go through all the angst we usually have when these life mates get turned The story was so breezy that it won t take long at all to read, but real fans won t want to miss this since I loved seeing such a hard butt like Victor be taken down the garden path by such a wonderful and warm hearted woman There is good character growth for everyone involved, a pleasant and unexpected plot, a cute mystery and of course our happily ever after Whatcould you ask for in a book of this type

❰PDF / Epub❯ ☆ The Accidental Vampire Author Lynsay Sands –
  • Paperback
  • 374 pages
  • The Accidental Vampire
  • Lynsay Sands
  • German
  • 09 December 2019
  • 9783802583179

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