Curses! A F***ed Up Fairytale

Curses! A F***ed Up Fairytale This is not your typical fairy tale Oh but it is hilarious When RJ thought he ate Asia, I couldn t stop laughing If you want a funny spin on a fairy tale, you ll enjoy this book. Review Courtesy of Dark Faerie TalesQuick Dirty A raunchy mix of childhood fairy tales with very adult language and content.Opening Sentence A delivery kid stood in front of me in the pastel hallway of my four story walk up on the edge of the Easter Village.The Review Finally, a book that lives up to its title F ed up doesn t even begin to adequately describe all of the high jinks in this book of fairy tale fallacies It turns all the things we think we know about our beloved fairy tale characters and puts them on their heads I don t think that I have laughed this hard reading a book in a while.RJ, and you can guess his real name, is in a funk The Villain Union has put him on mandatory health leave and cursed him to do shutter only good things What an outrage So when the not so ugly step sister of Cinderella, Asia, comes to him for help in solving her step sister s murder, he does Damn union This plunges him head first into a f ed up case full of curses, crisis s, and catastrophes that make him want to cry wee wee wee all the way home.RJ is a wonderfully devious character He lies, cheats, and steals his way through life So now that he is cursed to do nice things, what has he got to live for One very sexy step sister for starters Asia is hot, and needs his help Well, she needs the help of the famous Inspector Holmes of Fairy Yard maybe she should have asked RJ for ID before making any assumptions about his identity Normally, RJ would only help himself into her pants but this time he is compelled to follow her home to the Kingdom of Maldetto in search of Cinderella s killer Damn that union curse RJ uses his knowledge of villainous tactics to piece together the clues that point him in the right direction After falling hip first in love with Princess Asia, RJ swears to help her with her curse as well Will the man never learn to shut his mouth already At this rate, all the other villains are going to call him names and then not let him play in any of their villain games Maybe Asia can help him pass the time instead.Princess Asia is, to coin the phrase from Shrek, like an onion she has many layers and not all of them make her come up smelling like roses Her curse makes her gain an unnatural amount of weight if she eats within the borders of her home kingdom How can anyone love her when she has the potential to crush them under her massive girth Is there no man out there that can see past all the bulbous fat to find the beauty hidden within But perhaps the whole damsel in distress act that she gives RJ is not the real her either Maybe she is not all sugar and spice and everything nice after all Will RJ and Asia find their Happily Ever After when each one has something to hide Lots of other things happen while RJ is in the Kingdom of Maldetto When several local villains turn up murdered, RJ becomes the authorities number one suspect Not that he would be above such things normally, but it is not possible in his current impotent state Yet, how can a known villain prove his innocence while still maintaining his evil status And why is Prince Charming marrying one of the King s daughters when it is clear to everyone else that he s gay How can RJ help out the other step sister, Dru, find a prince of her own when she has clearly been beaten with the ugly stick Most importantly to RJ why is it that no villain has claimed the murder of Cinderella Shouldn t they be boasting about it If a villain is not responsible, who had the motive to off the seemingly beloved Cinderella mere weeks before her wedding The whole book riffs off of countless fairy tales and nursery rhymes I absolutely LOVE the uses and references of childhood stories that are turned into something completely inappropriate for my children to read Hats off to Kazimer for making me see these beloved stories through the eyes of my not so pure adult mind I can t wait to see what the author comes up with next.Notable Scene My, what big feet you have Her eyebrows rose Yeah Ummm look, kid, I began and then took off running I d read the New Never News articles about a little red hooded serial killer too many times to be her eighth victim.I barreled my way through the forest, leaping over downed logs and ducking dive bombing bluebirds High pitched, insane laughter followed me no matter how fast I ran My, my, what big ears you have I doubled my speed My, my, what big eyes you have Terror gave me added strength to run even faster My, my, what short legs you have I pulled to a stop Hey, my legs are not short They re average for a man of my size Average for a short man maybe The crazy red hooded bitch laughed An ax flew over my head, missing my scalp by inches It planted itself in a tree Another burst of laughter followed.Fuck it Now wasn t the time to discuss the relativity of stature and the evils of the metric system I took off running again, ducking and weaving through the Enchanted Forest like a big, not so nice wolf with a basket of freshly baked goodies on his way to visit his nana.No matter how fast I ran, the red hooded chick stayed right on my heels I had to find a place to hide, somewhere that the crazy bitch would never find me Ah, there, on the right The pond where I d first met Dru.Lungs bursting, I dove into the slime coated pond with a splash The water rippled and then settled, hiding me from my would be ax murderer not yet tall enough to ride the Tea Toddler at Feyland Above me, her apple cheeked reflection danced across the water, the shine of her ax glowing like a beacon.Trust me, the irony wasn t lost on me There I was, a world famous villain, hiding from a little girl in red tights Pathetic No wonder the union gave me the boot.The F ed Up Fairytales Series 1 Curses A F ed Up Fairy Tale FTC Advisory The author provided me with a copy of Curses A F ed Up Fairy Tale No goody bags, sponsorships, material connections, or bribes were exchanged for my review The only payment received came in the form of hugs and kisses from my little boys. Rumpelstiltskin Or RJ, As He Prefers To Be Called Has Been Kicked Out Of The Villain S Guild And Cursed To Do Good Deeds Bored Without His Villainous Routine, He Agrees To Help Anastasia Maledotto Find Out Who Murdered Her Stepsister, Cinderella, And Rescue Her Sister, Drusilla, From A Disastrous Marriage To Prince Charming Kazimer Is Squarely On The Side Of Cinderella S Stepsisters, So He Downplays Their Traditional Ugliness Asia Is Slightly Overweight, And Dru Sports A Unibrow The Vibe Is Like A Cross Between The Addams Family And Grimm With A Little Rocky And Bullwinkle Thrown In, As Various People Cartoonishly Try To Kill Their Spouses, And RJ Is Drawn To Asia S Violent Nature Juvenile Glee Drips From The Twee And Faux Shocking Allusions To Sex Toys, Foot Fetishes, And Transsexuality, And The Gratuitous Pop Culture References Are Already Somewhat Dated, Leaving This Clumsy Romp Notably Lacking In Redeeming Features The book was not NEARLY as entertaining as the description made it sound I went into it expecting a humorous book that would make me laugh out loud with references and satire Instead I had a couple of ha, cute moments and that was about it The story itself was an interesting take on the twisted fairy tale , emphasis on the twisted It is told from the viewpoint of RJ, a fairy tale villain who has had his villain privileges revoked RJ is cursed to only do nice things because the Villain Union deemed him unfit to be bad The real reason for this punishment is never clearly explained, only hinted at through vague references In the midst of this fate he meets Asia, one of Cinderellas step sisters, who asks for his help in finding Cinderella s murderer He agrees, but only because his nice curse compels him to What follows is a murder mystery that bumps and jerks along in a weird sort of flow RJ is repeatedly assaulted, has numerous black outs and keeps waking up in strange places with different people lying near him The writing is very circular, taking the same themes and re running them over and over The word villain is used about 100 times too many Villain Union , Villain Code , Villainous clothes , Villainous impotence Yes we get it, he s a bad guy forced to be the hero Wonderful, now move on The one good thing about the story was that it did keep me guessing I like the murder mystery type story because I like to be challenged to figure out the who done it And this story challenged that for me I went back and forth between suspects right along with RJ, never really having an clear idea of the culprit However part of me wonders if that is because the Author didn t know who the real villain was until the end either. You guysthe title of this bookI can t I freaking love it This f ed up fairy tale follows RJ, a top villian currently cursed with being nice So when a beautiful damsel in distress asks for help solving her sister s murder, RJ has no choice but to put his villainous ways behind him and help the princess out RJ can you guess which Disney villian he is our protagonist, was pretty wonderful Bemoaning his lack of villainous ability, he fights the title of hero until the very end His adoration of Asia, our heroine, was my favorite It s lust at first sight for RJ, and many hilarious and adorable and weird encounters follow Asia herself was a bit of a mystery I liked her, but I didn t feel like I knew her well Anything I want to say about her involves spoilers, somoving on The mystery is the central focus and the part that dissapoints me a bit It had a great flow, leaving you hints here, doubts there I was all ready to be shocked in the end by this otherwise outrageous novel But then it rather justfizzled Over 200 pages of mystery and we get this short little scene about what happened and why It just didn t feel complete, and wasn t a deserving or conclusive end to this bizarre and hilarious novel Now, with that said, I m talking about the main mystery Not thetwist, which I so wasn t expecting So that cheered me up a bit So I enjoyed the hell out of this novel overall I ve been sick and in a funk and I just needed something silly and well written and light and goofy and THIS WAS IT There were of course things I didn t 100% love but I mean come onthe title tells you like it isit s a f ed up fairy tale This is so crazy and funny You can t help but love the unique take on fairy tales with a naughty side. You can tell by the title this isn t your average fairy tale Curses tells the twisted tale of RJ, a disgraced villain forced into doing good when the villain s union puts him on leave He s a bad boy who can t say no, especially to Asia, the not so ugly stepsister to Cinderella.Cinderella s been whacked by a devious bluebird and the crosstown Fairy Second Street bus Asia wants to know whodunit, and RJ might want to help her even if he wasn t cursed The redhead s lips curved into a frown, which only added to her beauty She looked like sin, the dirty kind with plenty of sweat and saliva Thus begins a once upon a time unlike any other More raunchy than Shrek and just as clever Has the bloody heart of Once Upon a Time but is much less serious Spins fairy tale pop culture references like an enchanted Joss Whedon show Pick up this fun, wild ride and find out what really went on when Miss Muffett sat on her tuffet.Or, as I said in my original judge s comments, It s like Shrek and Charles De Lint met for drinks, got drunk and threw up on Philip Marlowe. How many times can an author write the word villian before it becomes an annoying noise How many times can a main character black out before we should start worrying about brain damage J.A Kazimer tried so very hard to be witty and raunchy, but I found myself rolling my eyes any time RJ and Asia were alone The sexy scenes read like cheap Janet Evanovich, and I actually like her Stephanie Plum series Make no mistake, the story is pretty decent, but I give this only one star because parts of it were SO BAD If I were a freshman in high school, maybe I d be appreciative of Kazimer s colorful metaphors and awkward descriptions, but as a 23 year old, they seem tacky and juvenile in a way If you re looking for a laugh and a light read, sure, Kazimer s Curses will do I d take Christopher Moore, or yes, even Janet Evanovich, over this gem any day There are better laughs and better sex elsewhere. Soodespite my prolonged absence from GR, I m not dead And to celebrate that fact, this is my first review in awhile I wish it could have been a slightly positive review, but one takes the cards one s been dealt, I guess.I picked this book because I m a big fan of authors Jasper Fforde and at times Christopher Moore I include them in the same list because their books tend to have very irreverent attitudes, yet somehow manage to wallop you with actual plot and character developments at the end, and I d hoped that Kazimer might be a fledgling version of Fforde or Moore Unfortunatelyno, not really First, a good thing the humor in this big is present in a big way For the first third of the book, I found myself laughing out loud Our protagonist, R.J., was once an evil villain, but has since been removed from the villainous union and is cursed to be nice until he can get his life back on track Asia is his love interest, who, naturally, is the smoking hot ugly step sister of Cinderella Was her killer lurking somewhere I smiled at the thought, remembering the joy of lurking Ah, the good old villainous days.The problem, though, is that the same old jokes keep getting repeated R.J is emasculated, Asia is kind of evil but R.J thinks it s hot, Pamela Hans Christian Anderson, yadda yadda yadda About halfway through, I stopped laughing out loud and started waiting for the plot to start up And that s the kicker about this book unlike Fforde or even Moore, the humor is the main event The plot s certainly not going to keep you there, since it s basically a series of events tied very loosely together that don t make a lot of sense And God knows the characters aren t enough to keep you invested, since they re all about as deep as a drinking fountain This is definitely not a book for people who are easily offended by cheap jokes or lazy writing, since it has both I like to think I went into this book with a fairly open mind after all, it s clearly labeled as F ked Up Fairytales but this book s portrayal of women set my teeth on edge a couple of times The reader is constantly reminded that Asia is fat, but R.J still finds her hot How selfless of him At one point, we re told Asia weighs 150 lbs Apparently, it s a miracle I m able to get out of bed in the morning, since I think I weigh than that Asia is probably the closest thing to a positive female role model the book s got, but considering that she s constantly agonizing over her weight for the entire book, I m using the term loosely.Basically, to sum things up this book can be good for a distraction, but not unlike the sun, if you look at it too long your head will explode Or something. Disclaimer I begged Julie for an advance copy, which she sent to me It s pumpkin orange.Okay, think of the books that you quote Not books of literature, but the ones where you grab nearby passers by and say, Wait, wait, listen to this and then read something sly and witty and look at them expectantly Now, because these people are most likely thinking about a getting away from you or b sex, they re usually not impressed However, once in a rare while, you run into someone who CAN QUOTE THE NEXT LINE It s like heaven This is that kind of book Peeling the cookie open, I licked my lips in anticipation of its sugary goodness and informative, if not valuable summation of my future The cookie read THE DELIVERY KID LICKED YOUR EGG ROLL.HAVE A NICE DAY Damn Foiled again by a teen with metal in his head than Snow White had sugar midgets.Hi Ho, Hi HoOff to scrub delivery kid spit out of my mouth I go I ll do up to Have a Nice Day, and you ll do the rest Heaven.Urban fantasy murder mystery written by a chick with a degree in forensic psychology and who has worked as a private investigator, and who possesses a wicked eye that tends to favor a bit of villainy now and then How could you go wrong

J.A Julie Kazimer lives in Denver, CO When she isn t looking for a place to hide the bodies, she spends her time with a pup named Killer Other hobbies include murdering houseplants and avoiding housework She spent a few years as a bartender and then wasted another few years stalking people while working as a private investigator before transitioning to the moniker of WRITER and penning over

[PDF / Epub] ★ Curses! A F***ed Up Fairytale  Author J.A. Kazimer –
  • ebook
  • 321 pages
  • Curses! A F***ed Up Fairytale
  • J.A. Kazimer
  • English
  • 24 December 2017
  • 9780758278128

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